Tomorrow I'll be heading to Mexico City and from there, back to St. Paul, Minniesoder. This will symbolically mark the completion of a one year journey from St. Paul to San Miguel de Allende, MX, to Bangkok to Khon Kaen Thailand, to Laos, back to Khon Kaen again, to HongKong, Beijing, St. Paul, to San Miguel de Allende and then back to St, Paul. I sure do hope that when I dip my toes and face into the snow, and then make snow angels that it will feel jusssssst right.
I do not know how I wound up here, and everyday this question passes through me in one form or another. I grew up as a poor kid in Jamaica Plain, son of a dad with severe Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and a mom that loved me indescribably. Life through my eyes as a yoot (youth), was a bit odd, upset, and confusing. To make matters more uncomfortable, I often sat on the toilet for over half an hour with bad stomach aches, as I wondered- is there something wrong with the way I go to the bathroom, or me? Later, I'd become allergic to my own cat, who also had stomach problems, and I'd have bouts of one half of my face become clogged- nose stuffed and eye itchy-watery, switching back and forth from left side to ride side like a game of pong.
Before I knew it, I was off to college, pissed off about high school, wanting a change, but expecting nothing more and perhaps absolute ruin. I had searched for something alternative, like a hogwarts, or a retreat to a mountain dojo, but did not trust my internal compass to find such a place. Yet, maybe the stars did align with my soul-magnet; before I knew it, I was sitting in front of the President of the Mathematical Association of America, proving non-dogmatic non falsification-ism, which pointed towards the Buddhist reality of emptiness, next to a red-headed kid from Florida, the apple of his eye, and a rocker from Pakistan that would become my room/soul mates for the next four years.
GOD! College was a strange time for me. Though lifted by the compassion of friends, a Buddhist master, and nourished by the Cafe Mac Curry Bar, I felt so lost like a savant trying to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Each year, I seemed to generate more fear and skepticism of myself. Yet, each day I was also chipping away at these insecurities that seemed to have had been gathered since laying awkwardly and unreassuringly in my mom's womb. Anyways, before I knew it, it was time for study abroad. I was a religious studies major, who had taken years of Chinese, 6 of spanish, headed off to Thailand with the pretenses of becoming ordained and saving forests, but I would also get the opportunity to visit my mom who had moved to Mexico, woah!
So, there I was, suddenly, after living the tranquilo culture of cabs slowly but surely bumping over cobblestones in time with the rhythms of horns and mariachis to the concrete jungle of Bangkok without the address of my hotel. From there it was a blur of fighting corrupt development companies, a revolution, trips to the hospital with cute nurses and club sandwiches, labour-intensive diplomacy, village life (witichiwit chao ban), true/puppy love, and unbearable romance songs sung by thai women with baby powder white skin in a spotlight lamenting the downfall of the great Thai Kingdom on 6 hour bus rides, going... somewhere? Somehow, I made it, back to the blue skies of St. Paul, and to the tranquilo starry nights of San Miguel. Though, most certainly not speaking or seeing as the same I that had begun this trip- when was it again, that it all began?
Now as I begin my final semester, I know less than ever, and I hope to grow increasingly less concerned about scrupulously figuring things out. Instead, I want to live! And breath wonder, and express compassion. I wanna have a blast this semester, as I aim along with my roommate, to increase gross domestic spontaneity and playfulness on campus. I'd like to go deeper, and then realize that there's no deeper, or shallower, good or bad. I want the whole world to know what unconditional love is. Right now, I'd like to get some rest, phewwww, wooooosh, ahhhhh!
Thanks for continuing to follow along with me.
Sawatdee, Gracias, Asalamalakum,
-El Duchador
